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%      ADVANCED BEN SHAPIRO SIMULATOR       %
%  by Jim Waterman for WOOT! Tape Magazine  %
%            22-24 November 2022            %
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OK folks, this is a program in which the American conservative pundit, Ben Shapiro, is subjected to lampoonery for the way he talks so fast, OK gang, and also for the way he has this habit of putting "OK folks" and "OK gang" into as many sentences as he does, OK folks, as if it's some kind of cross between a verbal tic and a punctuation mark, OK gang. Unfortunately the author of this program has chosen to base this program on a caricature of the real Ben Shapiro made by Freedom Toons, OK folks, in which Séamus Coughlin does an impression of the real thing with a nasal voice, OK gang, AND THE IDEA... AND THE IDEA... AND THE IDEA that the real Ben Shapiro has a working sense of humor, which I am NOT going to spell in Britainese because I'm a real patriotic American, OK folks, is actually correct. The same can't be said about a large percentage of his detractors, OK gang.

Here's the most damning evidence, OK folks:

- "Ben Shapiro DESTROYS Liberal" - 27 April 2017
  = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1R53U9lNcM
- "Thanksgiving with Ben Shapiro" - 23 November 2017
  = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXb4h6cXvX4
- "Ben Shapiro OWNS Dr. Mac" - 26 April 2018
  = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj9fNfXYdgk
    (This one has "Ben" doing Séamus' outro for him as well, OK gang)

Full instructions, what little you need of them, are provided within the space of one screen on the Zee-X Spectrum, again I am not going to use the Englandish pronunciation because I love Israel... I mean, AMERICA so much, OK folks, and that's all contained in 768 characters, OK gang, which not so coincidentally is the maximum length of the text that the computer can handle, which is just asinine, OK gang, because if the Zee-X Spectrum had been made by true patriotic Americans it would have been able to handle more characters on the screen, OK folks, and thus more characters in the array that translates from English into Shapiroese. Think of the fine example that is the Commodore VIC-20... wait... actually, scratch that, OK gang. The Commodore 64 can handle ONE THOUSAND characters on screen at once, OK folks, and so objectively it is a superior American computer to that thing with the rubber keyboard from over the Atlantic, and if you disagree then facts don't care about your feelings, OK gang.

The instructions also contain a hilarious impression of Dave Rubin, who agrees with everything I said there, OK folks. Once again it's based on an episode of Freedom Toons, because the creator of this program has absolutely no creativity of his own, OK gang:

- "Every Rubin Report Ever" - 1 Feb 2018
  = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS71EDAwX1o

Wait a minute... what's this that happens if I press "L", OK folks? It allows external pieces of text to be loaded in from the tape, OK gang, and there are ten examples provided with this program, OK folks, some of which could conceivably be read out by the real Ben Shapiro, such as the opening lines of the US Constitution or the Book of Genesis, OK gang, but there are others that he wouldn't touch with a very long and non-kosher barge pole such as a passage from the Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy which is atheist propaganda, OK folks, or some opinion from Jeremy Clarkson about why the Chevrolet Corvette is not a real sports car which is just obviously ridiculous, OK gang. AND THE IDEA... AND THE IDEA that the superior Commodore 64 could not do this is also anti-American because it could easily do so faster than the Zee-X Spectrum because it has the 1541 disk drive, OK folks, that definitely can't be used as an improvised heating device in these current times of fuel poverty, OK gang, and the Germans certainly aren't getting their old 1541s out of storage because the Russians have cut their gas supply off as a result of their poor life choices, OK gang. That I've never managed to get any data saved to a .SEQ file on either the C64 or the VIC-20 without it being corrupted in a really bizarre but unfailingly consistent way is an inconvenient fact that doesn't care about MY feelings, OK gang, so I'm going to sweep it under the carpet and blame it on The Young Turks if it ever resurfaces, OK folks.

Remember, Ben Shapiro can shoot high-intensity lasers from his eyes, OK gang, so this program should not be used for defamatory purposes; if it is, "Ben Shapiro DESTROYS..." will become objective reality in that you will be LITERALLY DESTROYED, OK folks. Think of it the same way as Andy Jenkinson's "Cliff Richard Loves Rihanna... FACT!" that was submitted to the comp.sys.sinclair Gosh-Darned-To-Heck Games Competition in 2021, OK gang, in which Boris Johnson could be accused of doing all sorts of sordid and degenerate things with Donald Trump, that would result in a century's worth of lawsuits if such accusations were thrown at either or both of them in real life, which would literally destroy the West, OK folks, and hand over control of the world to Russia, or China, AND THE IDEA... AND THE IDEA that this is a good thing in any way is the exclusive preserve of dystopian fiction, OK gang. On this program - that's visual media, not a computer program - we deal with facts, OK folks, and may I remind you once more they don't care about your feelings.

We now go live to some liberal propagandist in London who is trying to inform us that English in England has two different spellings of the word "program" which would clear up any confusion in the paragraph above, OK gang. To this I can only say...

*LASERS*
